It happened so fast. I remember the dreams at eight years old. The games. The make believe wishes and drawings and stories. I was a mama. I had two boys. Two boys were harder to get, you know. Toys R Us always carries more lifelike baby girl dolls. But an anatomically correct boy doll? Now that was harder to come by.
And then the dream passed. No more walking baby dolls around the block in strollers. No more cradling cabbage patch kids after school each day. No more secret games with other twelve year olds who still played pretend and dreamed of motherhood like it was harder to come by than becoming a movie star.
Onto boys and makeup and then college and parties. Onto career goals and white wedding dresses and big diamond rings. And then the husband was found and the career fell into place and the house was bought. Two dogs and pergo floors and the fancy china was unpacked and used once or twice.
The old dream came back. A baby. A baby. Thats what we need now. Trade in the BMW two seater, its time for an SUV. Time to pick out baby names for our baby to be. We had it all. The stroller, the matching furniture, the chair rail separating the winnie the pooh dark green from the tigger light green. Oh, and the diaper bag. The perfect diaper bag. The one I got at my perfect shower.
And Mason was here. Our bundle of joy. Our everything. Our sun and our moon. Our love. We watched him grow...the center of our universe.
We had ups and we had downs. More ups, but certainly some downs. A move down south, a move back north. A great deal on a house, followed by some terrible financial choices. A stable career for me, a change in career paths and back to school for dad. A healthy growing toddler...and ear tubes, no gluten, lost tooth....
It all seems like a blur...those years of preschool. He needed me so much. I took him to school and home most days. We played, we colored, we laughed...he tagged along where ever I went. Happy to stroll in the stroller 'till almost kindergarten. Where did the time go? The mistakes I made...not enough video, we didn't go to disney...the list goes on. But so many things I must have done right! Reading and math, ahead of the class. Bonds with his cousin, so cute and so close. A gentle soul, loving and kind.
He was almost five when the new baby came. Isaac. His name means, "he who laughs" and it fits his heart so well. So different than his brother...yet the two were close from the minute he arrived. Mason the protector, Isaac the gentle soul. "Who is your best friend?" I ask Mason. "Isaac, silly!" Of course. I say.
And now Mason is in kindergarten. He plays catch with his dad and his dad takes him to school and they play video games together and I am tired and overwhelmed and caring for Isaac and I wonder if Mason misses me. As happy as I am for their amazing relationship a part of me is jealous. A part of me wants to be needed again like I was.
But I am and I know it and I am Isaac's world. He snuggles me and makes my heart soar in new ways. He runs to me with the biggest smile each day after daycare. He makes me forget my troubles and through my son I see heaven and g-d and rainbows and life.
I follow my boys through the seasons of life. The rarely follow me and that is okay. They are my everything. Together they complete me and individually they define me. I follow them through skinned knees and athletes foot and messy toilets and spilled milk. I follow them through hugs and kisses mid tball game and acts of kindness that would open heaven's gates. I follow them as they walk hand in hand and giggle and smile in the secret language of brotherhood. And I will follow them as they tell me of their own dreams and make them come to life just as their very being has made my dreams come true.
